Kids Medicine Sucks

Probably the assholes who decided to make kids medicine awful (Image by Sebastian Herrmann via Unsplash)

[Children’s Medicine Executive Planning Meeting]

CEO: Okay guys, we’re here to talk about this new product we’re making: liquid medicine for kids. But before we start, I want to be absolutely sure that none of you have children of your own and that you have barely interacted with kids, ever.

Exec 1: Confirmed.

Exec 2: Hate those little punks.

Exec 3: Their hands are always dirty and they smell.

CEO: Great, then let’s begin. First off, we all agree that no matter what flavor we call it, it’s going to taste like gasoline, right?

[Execs 2 and 3 shouting in unison]: AYE!

Exec 1: Wait, what? I… okay…

CEO: Perfect, moving on let’s talk directions. Just for shits and giggles, let’s bury them under the top label that really looks like directions but isn’t. And let’s also make the top label practically impossible to peel.

Exec 2: Hahaha, love it!

Exec 3: I enjoy the thought of the parent being very frustrated by this while their ill child wails in the distance. This pleases me greatly.

Exec 1: I don’t know… shouldn’t we just make them easy to find?

[blank stares for a really long time]

CEO: Get his ass out of here.

[Execs 2 and 3 drag Exec 1 out of the room, beat him mercilessly, and throw him down garbage chute]

CEO: Now, about the pricing—

Exec 3, waving hand wildly in the air: Ooh ooh, I know, it should be really high, right??

Exec 2, slamming fist in the table: DAMMNIT THAT’S WHAT I WAS GOING TO SAY

CEO: Okay calm down, you’re both very good boys. Save that energy for our 2pm meeting with the American Pediatrics Association on controlling the availability of appointments.